On doubt, indecision, and the desire to be of this world

I have been bitten by the bug of doubt and her venom is percolating throughout each one of my veins, slowly but frantically sipping from the sweetness of my soul. What if she sips too much and suddenly I am withered away to nothing? A shell of all I used to be. She is leering  inside me and I do not know how to vacate her without tearing the skin from my body. She is loud! She is cold and sharp and intent on pricking me with intrusions at each and every sign of weakness. And sometimes I’m tired, and lacking whimsy, and I might spend mere seconds willing the world away before she jumps in and hijacks the whole thing. Suddenly it is not the world I am willing to leave, but the cycles and fluctuations of my own self, my own being, which is seemingly not enough for simply being but must be doing lest she wither away and become nothing. I feel like a nesting doll, within me all the potential shells I might wither away into, waiting patiently for my inevitable demise. The onion rots as she ages and if nothing is done with her, then the pungency of her layers retreats. She is no longer fragrant, no longer brimming with potential, I am like an onion, slowly losing its potential. I am pleading with the universe to use me! To add me to a stew or a broth or a roast and allow me to infuse all that I am with the world around me. Guide me towards a Sunday dinner, where the perfumes of my leaves uplift and radiate. I am willing to leave all that I am, to live in the potential of what I might become. 

I will not expand if I do not believe I am capable of expansion. I know this to be true within every fibre of my being- yet, still I doubt. I am sitting here with a pervading sense of anxiety rippling through my nerves. There is a part of me that is ungrateful, fearful, discontent, longing for more, longing for less, wondering if I will ever find a way to exist in this world without feeling deeply unsettled. There are only so many changes I can make to my external environment, before recognising that the problem exists within. I am willing my heart to be open to more, to receive that which she has denied herself for so long- but the body and mind seem to rally in their objections. They are misguided protectors, intent on preserving the soul that was once exiled from this world, and now as I reach my arms out to reclaim her, I am met with protest upon protest upon protest. I wish to place blame upon the world for this sense of inadequacy, wondering if it is not me that is at fault but rather a society that is simply not capable of seeing the magic within this vessel. But if this is true, why then do I feel so afraid of showing up for myself? Of committing to myself? Of putting all that I can and all that I am towards the full enactment of my potential. My body is resistant and reluctant and recalcitrant. 

I suppose it is a good thing that I am stubborn in all aspects of self. Perhaps what is needed is simply a reframing of the traits that I deem hold me back, to encourage their skills to be put to better use. And what better use would that be? At the moment of writing this, there is a song excavated from the depths of my being making its way into the world. Within Glass Bridges, I have found a container that allows me to navigate the intensity of these bodily experiences through song, and this particular ode is no different. In the process of describing this first single, ‘Pray’, I have said that it is about moving from a perspective of self-focus to one of collective focus. These aspects of self so intent on protecting what is within, would be much better served protecting that which is without. It is only through the overcoming of my inner battles that I am able to take decisive and effective action in the world, to contribute to her transformation as a home steeped in the truest sense of love. I do not wish to exist within the vacuum of my own experience. I do not wish to see myself as solely individual, but rather as completely and entirely of this world, and the souls and beings that exist within it. These inner protectors, that have held me through so much, are the very entities that prevent me from the belief that I am part of something greater, of something bigger than just myself. 

So let this be an essay of intention. Tonight, I return to the stage with Glass Bridges after a potent and palpable period of inner transformation. These writings are not born only within this moment, but follow months of inner excavation in an attempt to reveal the root of inadequacy that lives within me. Or rather, in an attempt to reveal exactly how to uproot these parts of myself. As I sit here, willing my being to celebrate all that we have accomplished so far, I recognise that this transformation is entirely dependent on choice. There are two versions of self colliding, and although tempting to define it as a battle, it feels more accurate to say it is a process of integration- merging all that I have been with all that I have the potential to be. Perhaps paradoxical, but I find no other understanding to be as true. I do not wish to dishonour or disown the parts of myself that have known pain and grief and violence. These protectors have served the purpose of their initial intention, and now, older, wiser, and eager to be of this world, wholly and completely, I urge them to take up a different mantle. 

In the most ideal circumstances, these gremlins and protectors that live within my being would be best served as librarians of sorts- organising and filing the realms of my inner being so meticulously, that the chaos within my nervous system is stilled. I do not wish to silence her, nor take away from all that she is, but I do wish to guide her towards a way of being that is entirely more fulfilling. I wish to feel confident in myself, in who I am, and in all that I offer to the world. I wish to know so fully the sanctity of my being, that it permeates into every aspect of this existence. I wish to hold the human experience in deep reverence, to know that all which moves through me is divinely sanctioned by the miracle of this existence. I wish to be a soldier for love, to raise a mantle of inclusion, acceptance, and of liberation for all beings that walk this earth. It is only through freeing myself of the shackles that bind me, that I am able to support in the creation of a new world- to step out of all that which holds me back so that I may help others do the same. 

Today, I choose to believe that all I am, and all I create, is enough. I am exactly as and where and when I am supposed to be. I commit to trusting the ever-unfolding rose of this human experience. I commit to all I am, and all that this world has the potential to be. I commit to love, to serve, to dream, and to deeply know that all which is imagined may be created through the intentional will of our beings. I am doing my best, you are doing your best, and that is all that will ever be required of us. We are born to love, so let us be love. I choose love.