I stand at a crossroads, and I am not sure where it leads

I feel uncertain. Lost within an upturn of thoughts and emotions that don’t seem to be dissolving no matter how persistently I sit with them. I long for answers, for direction, for any semblance of guidance that might tell me what exactly I should be doing right now. In writing that, I witness the part of myself that believes only some external saviour will shift the tide of current lamentations. I witness the part of myself that feels powerless, hopeless, and unwilling to create the change that she so desperately calls out for. I am meeting the paradoxes and contradictions that exist within me and attempting to find their reconciliation, only to be met with the understanding that they may never be reconciled, and that possible resolution can only be  found through the willing and intentional death of all that which does not feel true within the very essence of my being. I am cleaning house within all aspects of self, and much like Marie Kondo would advise, allowing joy to be the determining factor in who stays and who goes. 

I think of vitality, and of the sputtering fire within me that has not been burning at full blaze for some time. I think of addiction, and the self-destructive habits that echo a sense of inadequacy back to me each time I allow them to intertwine within my body. I think of laziness, petulance, ingratitude, greed, and wonder if their place of sin within my mind is the very thing that affords them so much control. I think of my childhood, where at almost every turn I was stripped of the choice of autonomy in place of expectation, and how those lessons, however much distance exists between them, still seem to carry so much import over how I show up in the world. I think of resentment, and how the colours of her reach stretch down into the very crevices of my being, and that no matter how much I forgive or make space or let go, still she grips tightly and violently. I think of vitality and the sputtering fire within me and wonder if I am angry, if I have always been angry, but simply placated by a world that sees such anger as unsavoury and worthy of rejection, isolation, ostracisation. 

I think of being a woman. I think of the years spent rejecting myself as a woman. I think about the struggle to reconcile the narratives of who I was told a woman should be, with the reality of who I was and have always been. I think about the version of self, who at 12 years old was overtly sexualised and taken advantage of simply because of a longing for validation. I think about the same self, who in the same breath as being sexualised, was harshly rejected and judged for leaning into that sexualisation. I think about the same self, who when unable to control the turbulent fluctuations of her emotions, was medicated and isolated as a means of punishment for not knowing how to navigate something she had never been taught to navigate. I think of the universality of this experience. Of being a woman, and being told that that in itself was simply not enough, and that if I desired love and acceptance, then I would have to contort myself into being someone I had no hope of being. I think of all these aspects of self that I was taught to hate, and know that there is a better, truer way to exist. 

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It’s the next day, and I’m sitting at a cafe with the intention of offering Tarot readings. I asked the owner last week and was so proud of myself for breaking through the fear of asking for what I need, and felt I was promptly rewarded with a yes. However, I arrived here today and the whole road is closed off for roadworks, ever so slightly hindering my ability to draw people in for a reading. There are not many people around to ask. This has felt like the theme of experience for weeks, where each action I take is met with a swiftly placed obstacle that I am unsure of how to surmount. It’s getting a bit absurd actually, and it’s hard to not feel like I’m being placed within some sort of divinely sanctioned time out. I want to act and build and strive, and though I continue to make small steps each day towards bettering my internal self, any external movement has been almost non-existent. Am I doing something wrong? Missing the mark? Focusing my energy and attention in directions it does not want to be sent? I pull a card and its the 8 of cups and I know she is telling me to leave something behind, to let go of some dream or endeavour. Is it tarot? Or rather, is it an internal belief that I am not good enough to do the things that I wish to do in this life? It would almost be easier if it were the latter because then at least that which I wish to pursue remains intact. 

I am split between the question of whether I am doing too much, or simply not doing enough. Trying too hard or not trying hard enough. I am in some perpetual limbo of understanding, where all things seem to be true at once and so therefore finding any sort of direction feels impossible. I think of past instances in my life where getting a job has been seamless, where even if there has been some waiting between opportunities- there have still been opportunities. I feel like I am in a barren wasteland, being upturned and shaken out by spirit in a way that I don’t fully understand right now. And I am going insane. I am aware of the privilege and luxury in my position, in that I can feel directionless and still have a roof over my head and food on my plate. Funds may be tight, but they are not non-existent and there is a privilege within that that not many others are afforded. I know this, I see this, and so I am hesitant to paint myself as a victim or lament too much about my woes. In fact, reminding myself of privilege feels like a great way to shift the narrative in my mind. It does not fix the feeling of being lost, but it does bring a great deal of ease to it. 

I am at a crossroads. A nexus point of existence. This should have been expected when I decided to invoke Hecate a few months ago, and boy has she come through strong. In a recent painting in which I attempted to reconcile my parts, the emerging image was of a Dragon/Phoenix type energy, facing towards the dark in order to get to the light. This was not the intention initially, but as I painted and integrated the paradoxical points of my being, I realised that the focus of this moment is not so much around who I am, but rather the story I am here to enact in this life. Hecate is a Goddess of the underworld, a psychopomp, a lightbringer, and one of the only deities to have dominion over all three realms- the sky, the earth, the underworld. To invoke Hecate is to say that you are not afraid of meeting the dark in the pursuit of soulful transformation, and that you wish to embody all aspects of this existence. She is the goddess of crossroads, and a guide for fated decisions. In many depictions she is shown as three women, which immediately pulls my mind towards the Morai and their red thread. Through invoking Hecate, I have said show me the darkest parts of my being so that I may be an active participant in that which is my fated destiny. What are the depths of my power, what magic lies within me, and what do I need to know in order to free her and bring her out into the world? 

So you see, this is the process I have brought upon myself. As I sit in the unknown, in the dark, watching as the world continues to burn itself alive and wondering what exactly my position is within this revolution- I find that all I am seemingly able to do right now, is write. And so I reemerge here with words born from the depths of my soul in the hopes that I may find clarity or direction through sharing. I was reinspired by someone who had read my most recent blog post and expressed how resonant and well-written it was. It reminded me that there is substance in the things I choose to share, and that to not do that is doing a disservice to myself and all those who might relate to the sharing of my experience of this life. I feel lost and confused but find anchoring in the gifts I know I am here to share with the world. And so share I shall, all parts of me that exist in fear of doing so be damned- I refuse to be silenced or softened when a broken world is begging for each of us to step into the fullness of our light, so that we may enact positive change, born through love. I may feel like a failure within the eyes of a capitalist system, but within the essence of my being, and the love that abounds both within and around me, I know I am as successful as any one person can be. I will continue to take steps towards unfolding what is meant for me, even when I’m not quite sure where those steps are leading. It is my duty to this world, and the soul that exists within this body.